This disgusting scene may have saved my life.
It’s 5:05am. Mid-November.
I’m at a bus stop in urban England.
A town that has kebab joints and sunbed shops. Not much else.
It’s p*ssing down with rain and it’s pitch black.
There’s one other person here. He looks 74 but is 54. He’s wearing the same hi-vis coat he always wears. His face is puffy red from alcoholism.
The man looks at me, “Alright mate…”
He’s always early, despite the downpour.
“Morning bud,” as I step onto the bus, just in time.
During those previous three months I had lost my car, my girlfriend and blew up at the last boss.
I spent that time reading books I’d never want to write and meeting women I’d never want to marry.
I was a stone less in weight …
Light black circles under my sunken eyes.
Have you ever been so stuck in your mind that you couldn’t sleep after 2 sleeping pills?
Ever been too nervous to speak to your own immediate family?
What about that feeling in your chest? A warm, beautiful, yet hellish sensation.
The kind you can’t adequately communicate because it’s so vague.
I take my seat at the back.
I can still taste the remnants of Johnny Walker Black, my previous night’s poison that I had hoped would provide a few hours of comalike relief.
A couple more people shuffle on to join the two of us.
I start to indulge my inner voice…
“Why did you go for that last job in the first place?”
“You could’ve stayed in teaching. You shouldn’t have done THAT degree either”
“Actually you could’ve made that last business work”
“Look at you now, Loser.”
I walk towards the stop for the second bus, wondering whether I’ll make it to my job for 6.
Wondering, not worrying.
Past the point of caring really.
In my mind, I was living through a humiliation ritual.
“What has happened to me?” I’d ask myself.
And it was that question that led me to realise I had hit what people call ‘bottom’ What MJ DeMarco calls your FTE – Your ‘F*ck This Event’ .
… I like that better.
Being the ultra curious and sometimes obsessive soul I am, I began to get interested in what was happening inside of me.
During those moments I would’ve given anything if I could just feel like me again.
I had already been an on-and off meditator for years. I had a subscription to an app where I luckily came across an interview with sleep-expert Matthew Walker.
This was a catalyst. I researched like I hadn’t done since uni. It started to make sense.
I went deeper and explored more literature. Porges; Levine; van der Kolk; Nestor etc etc.
Countless studies. More books. All the supplements.
I even ordered a Whoop band before sending it back without using it.
“What’s the point in measuring things? Why don’t I just fix them?”
I realised that even though a lot of the situation I found myself in wasn’t necessarily my fault, it was still my responsibility.
From all of my research, I had found that I wasn’t a loser after all.
I was just doing a lot of the right things in the wrong way.
I had completely burnt myself out in the years leading up to my personal FTE.
I was working against my biology constantly. I needed to be in alignment with it.
How I Defeated My Ruminating Brain (in a week)
Before you read any more of this, I’m warning you that most people will not like what I’m about to say.
Why?
Because it is embarrassingly simple. But, believe me, doing it is not easy. It is not glamorous either.
This list of things is not random. They are there because they intersect and support the others.
Compound interest. I’ll talk to you like I did my old self.
Ok here it is:
- Clear your desk and make a vow
Set aside one entire day for this task. Get a pen and paper. Now ruthlessly take inventory of all of the ways you are messing up. Everything you can think of. Fill the page.
Don’t worry, we’re going to narrow it down. But be thorough at first, this is just a mental exercise.
Forgive yourself for everything you have written down. Everything. You are a human being who has made some missteps. That’s what humans do, we’re not perfect. FORGIVE YOURSELF.
Now, out of all the things you wrote down, identify the 3 things that are having the biggest negative impact on your life right now. You already know what they are.
Vow that for one week, you will not indulge in the 3 bad habits you identified.
2. Do 5-10 minutes of parasympathetic breathwork every day
This will lower your baseline arousal and calm down your ruminations if you’re consistent.
The easiest way is to download a free app on your phone called ‘Relax Lite’ (I have no affiliation to it).
But failing that, try this:
Find a comfortable position and, for 5-10 minutes, breathe in for 4 seconds through the nose and exhale for 6 seconds. Breathe deeply and slowly. Use your diaphragm.
Simple, but amazingly effective.
3. Perform 20 minutes of some form of exercise, doesn’t matter what or where it is
It can be a walk, calisthenics, stretching, anything. Do what you can with what you have. That goes for your equipment and your body.
4. Make a 3-5 item to-do list and attack it every day
Best done the night before. It doesn’t matter what the items are. It can be mowing your lawn, it can be taking the bins out. It just has to be something that needs doing and is a net positive for YOU.
Action KILLS rumination. It can’t survive whilst you are DOING instead of dreaming.
5. Go to bed and get up at the same time everyday
Proven to create the correct sleep debt for you and align your body into a rhythm.
Give yourself a minimum of a 7 hour ‘sleep opportunity’
As an add on to this, do not drink any caffeine for at least 8 hours before your chosen bedtime.
And that’s it! Just do it for one week. Told you it was simple.
Hope it helps.
Much Love.